THE BEAT e124 When I Was in 5th Grade, I Decided to be Perfect.

This is Faith to Witness 99, motivating us to hear God and share the Shepherd.

Season 2 Episode 124

THE BEAT | When I Was in 5th Grade, I Decided to be Perfect.

Quick Take

Hey human, in this episode we take an impromptu road. One the Israelites walked, and God blessed. We consider 6 verbs in a familiar blessing. And how God showed a 5^th grader the meaning of mercy. Thanks for listening. Join us e124.

How is God turned toward you today?

I’m Kathryn Bise, your host.

I woke up today and wondered this:  how I would express my love for God if I just started down the road of expression with no designated scripture path, predetermined words, no premise or preposition. If I just expressed what was in my heart for how God comes to me each day with His big, beautiful divine love.

I immediately found this to be hard. It defies editing. It scoffs at an outline. I trusted I would just fall into the prose and get a little lost in it.

Numbers 6:24-26 popped into my mind. That’s because these verses surprised me on my Bible trek during Jan-February. All of a sudden there it was. In the middle of the wilderness with the Israelites. At the bottom of Mt. Sinai. God’s first blessing given to the priesthood (Aaron and his sons), to say over his people.

All that in 1400 BC. And my childhood. Words that echoed through 1^st grade to 8^th grade. These words are part of what it means to be a God-girl. Growing up in the church until I was 12, yielded some pretty deep spiritual roots, that can survive dormant seasons. How I feel about God is a “knowing” that I have had all my life.

I can’t imagine my life without his breath in it.

A Blessing with 6 God Verbs

Numbers 6:24-26

 

24 The Lord bless you

    and keep you;

25 the Lord make his face shine on you

    and be gracious to you;

26 the Lord turn his face toward you

    and give you peace.

 

6 God-verbs. It hangs on our entry wall, a banner to greet those who enter.

First verb.

Bless. I did an episode in Season 1, e30, on how when God blesses us it is through suffering and strengthening us, and that his purpose is to draw us closer to his provisions for us, and his nature. And away from earthly provision. I know that when God sustains a challenge, he will teach me something I need to know. That suffering is God blessing us with what we will become on the other side of it. It’s a little crazy but this redeems me from anxiety, that life is all about one of the only gifts I can give God. My trust.

Another verb.

Keep. My Heavenly Father keeps me in so many ways. Protecting me through the saving grace of his Son. That’s how I think of it. Jesus talked about abiding in his Father, and us, and us in him. A relationship that does not forsake, and I do not ever feel lost, like he is not with me. Abiding is “trusting in love.” This is a super cool way to think about it when life has you in earthly darkness. Spiritually, he is keeping us in the light.

Third verb.

Shine. When Moses wanted to see God, he told Moses that seeing his face would be too holy, that Moses would die in the presence of such holiness. So, God put his hand up to shadow Moses’ sight as he walked by him, so Moses could see his back. So, when it says “make his face shine” I am lost in the possibility of that. God’s glory can illuminate me, even if I cannot yet eternally live in his presence. God has radiant skin.

And how about this verb?

Gracious. That my God is the divine host of my soul. He is looking for, watching closely to see what I need, and is so responsive to that which he calls me to be:  honest, humble, heartened by his grace, and letting his generosity for humanity flow through me. He never lets my living water glass get half-empty.

Verb #5.

Turn. Of all the ways God can turn in his omniscience, and all the places he can be at once, he fully and divinely turns his face toward me. This is how it feels to live in his faithfulness, knowing he is always focused on seeing me. Turning toward me. Turning toward me. Turning toward me.

And the final verb.

Give. If turning his face toward me is not enough, he gives me a gift. He gives me peace. Peace for me is about life that is enough, life that doesn’t need figuring out. Life that has settled into a resolute heart.

Some of my recent podcast episodes have been longer, more involved, and certainly into Old Testament scenarios that some may not find all that interesting. Or relatable. Or reliable for 2025.  But it isn’t about scenarios, it’s about the power of God in his story. When I make the trek with the Israelites, I picture it like being on the camera crew. God turns the camera on me from time to time, showing me something about his nature that is particularly relevant to my growth. My growth in his story. He sees me walking in the middle of 600,000 men, and all the women and children of his chosen people.

Through Jesus We Bless

And this all brings me to how I feel about Jesus. The only One who can take us out of the wilderness. He saved me, and has control over my life, his sacrifice made me a child of God, capable of living as I have been made, in the image of God.

That means that what God does for me, how Jesus abides in me, and how the Holy Spirit intervenes, counsels, guides, protects, inspires, engages me makes it possible for me to reflect my Maker, my Savior, my Spirit in how I live. And how you live, human, if you have accepted Jesus as your Lord and Savior.

We bless.

We keep.

We shine.

We are gracious.

We turn.

We give peace.

I walk in the light, no longer troubled by darkness. But I see so many walking in darkness, confusion, and delusion. An earthly condition. A perfect darkness.

1 John 1:7

 

7 But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.

I Can’t Imagine My Life Without His Breath

I should say this again:  I can’t imagine my life without his breath in it.

And I want that for every single human. Regardless of who they are, what they do, or how they accept, reject, deny him.

Today is not driven by a point, a turn of phrase, or an inspiring phrase God planted in my brain. It is driven by my gratitude for God giving me a heart that claims him. That claims his big, beautiful divine love.

I am closing this episode with a core memory from childhood. It prompted me to return to my gathering of memories, an unfinished work. A working draft that God has a purpose for someday. God reminds.

When I was in 5th grade, I decided to be perfect. My room was the back wall of the parlor, which had windows overseeing the front porch. I could look out at the porch swing that carried me through so many books. I slept on a couch that folded down into a bed at night.  My dad and stepmom gave me a white desk with pink knobs for Christmas, so I put it by the couch with one side against the wall and room for the chair between the desk and the couch.  It created a little corner haven. I loved my desk. And I loved being alone with my thoughts at night before sleep overtook me. I felt that to be perfect I would need to review every night what I had done that day, so as not to repeat imperfect behavior. I reviewed all my actions, my conversations and responses to others, my thoughts at my desk. A 5th grader list. Then I would crawl in bed, nestle into the crease in the center of the flattened couch, and review the day again.

I was really clear about the gap between perfect and imperfect. It was my list, and I didn’t need help.

In the morning, I was so full of joy because I woke up to a new beginning, a clean slate. I had a plan based on the review of my shortcomings the night before. I am not sure how long this went on, and when I lost track of seeking perfection. It went on a while, for sure.

I may have emotionally exhausted myself from keeping track of so many details (e.g., perfect teeth brushing, perfect outfit, perfect walk to school, perfect grades, perfect homework, perfect student, perfect best friend in the lunchroom, perfect team member on the playground, perfect daughter).

Or I just outgrew a desire to be the perfect 5th grade girl in the middle of the country of “this land is your land, this land is my land.” Maybe a boy got my attention. I don’t know.

What stayed with me was that pursuit of perfection. An earthly pursuit for the longest time. A spiritual pursuit for the longest time. Divided into two parallel lives.

I have landed in God’s presence. The kingdom of perfect. His nature. Not mine.

Many, many years later we stopped to see my birthmother in the nursing home she was living in. We were on our way to the East Coast, relocating to New York City.

I walked in and said, “Hi Mom.”

She replied, “There she is. My perfect daughter.” At that moment God showed me the meaning of love. And the meaning of mercy. If you do not understand what I am saying I am going to ask you to think about this.

Could anything be truer than how God reaches out to shine his light on us in the middle of our imperfection, the middle of our striving? Could anything be truer for you, human?

My email address is deeperwater@kathrynbise.com.

I do not know where you are in your journey.